My New Positions...

So. Big changes. I've moved back to Saskatoon...although I still work for the same company. Which is both good and not so good. I like being home... making decent coin. But I've been "promoted" to a glorified secritary with more responsibility. I don't even get to answer the phone. I find this to be one of the most frustrating things I've ever been saddled with. I like the relaxness...How ever the fact that I feel like the engineers' bitch doesn't sit well. In fact it makes me sick to my stomach.

On top of all this BS at work not knowing anything inadvance I cant even volunteer with Junior Achievement. Its one of those things I look SO forward too and take such pride in that it makes me feel useless to not be contributing.
I miss it.

But fantastic news is Chelsea is home at the end of this week for a few days! I miss my partner in OHS crime...

*cough* A Reflection *cough*

Things that have happened in the last while:

1. Realised my boss under values me.
2. Had some great dreams
3. Applied for a REALLY good GROWNUP job. (on second round of screening)
4. My Lifeline at work has quit!!!
5. My life no longer has a schedual
6. I have desired to amputate my face
7. Found my better half in my sister (Always knew it but shes me bff :P)
8. Watched the entire first seasons of Battlestar Galactica and Heroes
9. Was told I'm moving home to S'toon
10. Was told I was going to have to delay moving home to S'toon
11. Rediscoved my distaste for humans.
12. Ate pie. (Strawberry Rhubarb)
13. Slept naked...Alot
14. Ate Brie on an Elk Burger (fell in love)
15. Trained people
16. Avoided Reading
17. Registered in a class with the Beast
18. Was smooched in a gay bar...by my gay boy friends...
19. Befriended a drag Queen
20. Killed my cactus (I failed to water it enough)
21. Revived A different cactus
22. Listened to an old friend tell me about him dying
23. Could not contemplate the desire to not live
24. Have told someone I love them (Anyone and everyone who deserves it)
25. Thought I was going to die
26. Made an effort to be more Green
27. Taken time for myself (Jen will be so proud)
28. Have started to forgive those who are in need of being forgivin
29. Started to slowly move out of my appartment
30. Lived...

Is it Murder?

Is it murder or attepted murder if someone kills a lil piece of you?

Summer Camp Adventure...

I’ve spent the last 5 days “up north” Most people are unaware of what I mean by this. Unless you work in an office similar to mine or you have experienced this you have Zero concept of what I can possibly mean. Even my self had no full understanding of what being “up north” would entail prior to 5 days ago. McClean Uranium Mine (Yes the radioactive stuff) is actually an okay place.

Now that I have expanded my knowledge I’m able to say this:

1. It’s not HALF as bad as I thought it was going to be. The little rooms, the Communal living, the sharing of a bathroom. It’s as awful as it sounds it really is. However after the crawling of your skin subsides you realise where you are. This is a place where you’re cooked for 4 times a day if you want. You have your bed made for you every day. You have the opportunity to interact with people if you choose to. Other wise people leave you alone…which I will admit is very nice.

2. The Camp is just that. It comes off creepy full of potential TB carriers. But really it only holds the regular communicable diseases and STI’s of communal living. It’s like being at summer camp. There are activities every night (Tonight I’m playing BINGO) , and there is a large lake to use at your leisure. If you’re not worried about potentially being eaten by Bear, Wolf or Sturgeon (The Idea of a Sturgeon makes my skin crawl…they are my true fear of lake swimming).

3.Everything north of LaRonge is Beautiful. Aside from the mine everything up here is Beautiful. It actually is breathtaking. Unfortunately they make you use the buddy system, which sadly involves meeting people. I have no words to fully explain the emotion and peace I feel here. It’s like being in love. You can’t find the words to describe it but you know exactly how you feel.

Now for the Fun part. Uranium learning time!!!

Interesting Facts

- Half-Life of Uranium is 4.47 Billion or 704 Million depending on the Isotope.
- Will melt at approx. 1132 Degrees Centigrade
- Prior to the discovery of radiation people used it to die things such as glass.

Common Uses:

- Element in Nuclear Reactors
- In Nuclear Weapons
- When depleted Used in:
Armour Plaiting
Shielding for other forms radioactive elements.

Okay I'm done. More to come later!

Do I look like a Au Pair Bitch!?!?

I have spent the last month wondering...no contemplating how to inform the MAN (He’s well over 25 no longer in the guy/boy category) that happens to share my apartment to clean up his shit. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the tidiest person… My room on most days looks like the basement of a good will storage depot. At any time you may find the necessary things in life…Food, Water, or a pleasant looking naked man. However my living on my own has proven one thing…I was not a waste of a child to my mother. I know how to cook and clean right up there with the best of them. However I like to clean my mess not the mess of a MAN who is clearly old enough not to be in need of an Au Pair. I’ve now actually contemplated wearing nothing but knee length skirts, loafers and sweater vests in order to be a suitable female role model on the child. Oops… My bad…not child…MAN.

Not Quite The Princess of Power

The topic of power is one that has be ever present in my weekend home.

I have Power, the ability to change my destiny. All by making choices that affect my life. That by allowing others to make choices that affect me I am allowing them power that is not theirs to have but mine to take.

At no time in my life have I ever felt that I needed more power when it came to my friends. Big picture stuff the lil guy never has enough power. But socially I always thought I had it cased. Knowing my limits, knowing what I needed. After a discussion had on Thursday I am no longer confident that I have any power what so ever. I’m continually willing to let other people make the decisions that must be made. At one time I’m sure I thought it was because I was being polite. However as time moves on I am more and more starting to realize that Its because I don’t want to be responsible for other peoples happiness or unhappiness.

I commented to a person close to me that I felt weak like I was powerless. That is truly how I felt after coming to this realization. My goal for the next while is going to be looking out for # 1, Taking charge of situations, not settling, making the choices that are best for me.

If I don’t learn to manage this now will I ever?

This is just a vibration in the pond from last weekend…I hope to be

Touching on that soon.

Growing Pains

When I thought of growing up I though of all the Cool things that I would have to look forward to in my advancing age. The Drinking the Living alone… I thought It would be amazing…LITTLE did I realize that I would find my self wondering how I would be able to accomplish something that would make me happy. Taking the big leap…or swim across the Atlantic in this situation.

I did not ever think that I would be sitting here wondering about the future of a friendship… of a family member in my life. I was made to feel awful after being taken advantage of this past weekend. I feel as though I am not only out money and a Prized personal position. But out the understanding of my role in a relation ship I would have liked to have thought had matured in past years. Clearly it has yet to do any thing of the sort.

I feel so frustrated in my life…

I’m fucking up things with the person I like to believe is my better half. He’s not being treated fairly by me.

I’m allowing my self to be walked on by many people. I need to learn to stand up and tell people what I want and what I need. Not always change for other people.

There are so many things that bother me and are stressing me right now…I don’t know where to continue…

All I care about at this very moment is that My God knows how much I care about him and Love him

Long Time Coming...

Wow... It has been Ages.

Life is silly. I feel lost... like I'm writing a report on what I want to be when I grow up...What if I never find motivation? Work and Life has frustrated me more than I can imagine. I want a holiday. I've realised that I'm fearful of New people in my space...the room mate is arriving soon...what to do? If I pretend its not happening will everything just stop?

The stress and lack of privacy is consuming me. All I desire is to sit in my appartment naked and watch what I want to watch on TV. I long to beable to sleep naked dreaming of what ever my heart desires. I dont wish to invite people to stay with me again.

My Heart is Aching...I long for one thing. One thing consumes hours of my day. My thoughts behind convorsations. My free moments that I steal for my self...Our Private notes are things I long for. I read a question once, asking if its better to have a relationship without love or Love without a relationship. Because I'm selfish I think Love without a realtionship is better than a relationsip devoid of love. I know I recieve more love than I can express. I hope thats clear...